its 1:15 Am, and I’m sitting here staring at the computer screen, wondering what to do with myself. Imagine that–I actually crawled out of my bed to come sit here in this corner of my bedroom and rant to an unseen audience about absolutely nothing. What is wrong with me?
I’ll be honest, I’m not tired at all. Its one of those weird occasions where I feel like I have a lot to say and I want to say it, but exactly what it is I want to say is…not coming to me. My mind is drawing a blank.
I suspect I should mention that I’m currently reading Nikki Sixx’s the Heroin Diaries, and its messing with my head. Why have I waited until now to read it? ah, a good question. Well, for one thing, when it first came out late last year, I was down to my last penny and honestly couldn’t afford to waste any money on a book. So I determined to get it from the Library. Well, as may be expected from the state of North Carolina, not one county anywhere near mine had bought a copy of the damn book, so I couldn’t check it out afterall. The school library had one, but it had a waitlist that ensured that the book would be checked out until March of 2008. What could I do but hold out until then? March finally came around, but i was overwhelmed with schoolwork and the thought of adding another book to my “to-do” list just seemed ridiculous…so once again, I decided to wait. This time, I promised myself I would get ahold of the book as soon as school was out, whatever the cost.
Flash forward to yesterday–I finally get my copy of The Heroin Diaries in the mail (I’m still trying to save money, so I found a good deal at Amazon.com), and since then I’ve been reading bits and pieces of it whenever I get a spare minute. I’m up to April now.
I can’t get it out of my head. I think most of all, this book has driven home to me Nikki’s humanity, and made him seem so much more real to me. Its easy to get caught up in the glitz and glamor surrounding rockstars, and forget they’re people too. They seem so invincible…almost like characters at Disney world or something…they never really die, they never go away. And if something should happen to one of the guys in the costume, it doesn’t matter because there will always be someone else there to step into the suit and carry on with the show. No one ever knows the difference, because no one ever sees the man inside the suit. So anyway, to me, reading this memoir was kind of like a giant mouse taking off his head, and revealing the little human inside.
Can you imagine having kids praising your every move, but having to deal with the reality that they’re not really worshiping you—just the persona you’ve taken on. I think that is everyone’s biggest fear…the fear of being lost to the world, the fear of loneliness, the fear of not really mattering. Everyone wants to be significant, and everyone wants to be loved and accepted and admired for who they are inside, and I think everyone wants to be known intimately by someone else. We thrive off the appreciation of others, really, we do.
I cannot imagine being so angry at the world as Nikki was.
I’ve never felt that kind of loneliness.
My heart really hasn’t been broken yet, I haven’t had to face any severe letdowns from those I look up to.
My life has been so blessed, and I think this book makes me appreciate it so much more. I can’t judge Sixx–what determined the life I was going to live? What kept me from turning out just like him? I don’t know, except that none of it was my doing. Knowing myself, I would have damned myself just as he did. I suppose God has protected me in ways I don’t know.
This is turning into a mindless ramble, I’m going to stop writing now. If it is too incoherent, I’ll delete this post in the morning. But for now, Its here to read…
Bless you, Rock on.